This is my blog post on the Circle de Luz website today.  There are other fabulous blogs there from the women who serve on the Board of Directors.  Check them out if you get the chance!

Returning the Blessing  

At the end of my junior year in college, I attended graduation to see off my friends that were a year older than me. When the college president read off the name of one of my friends, a first generation African-American student from a small South Carolina town, an eruption came from the crowd, a surprise at an occasion that usually only drew polite claps at our college. My eyes scanned the crowd until I saw my friends’ family up and clapping, declaring their excitement over his graduation. I cried.

He and I worked together in a summer program and had become close friends. He was from a large family and an older brother of his was in prison. An incredibly gifted writer, when his brother left, his talking was interrupted by stutters, self-consciousness and grief taking root. And, yet, he persevered, his brightness and kindness far more noticeable than his stuttering ever was, although it took him a while to realize that.

That summer, we worked together again, and I told him how I felt watching his whole family cheer. He was the first to go to college, and when he walked across that stage, he carried all of them—all of their hopes and sacrifices, struggles and triumphs– with him. A year later, I did the same thing with my family—just the five of us total since my parents’ roots were in Puerto Rico—at my side. I remember how I wanted that moment to affirm for my parents the difficult choice they made to stay in the United States and allow me to be educated here. I wanted every difficult moment that they had experienced, every unkind word that had been said to them, every sacrifice to somehow be acknowledged and outweighed in that moment. I walked across the stage that day not just proud of the decisions and choices I had made to get myself to that place, but ever grateful to the people who had helped me get to that place, my parents most of all.

I was reminded of those two college graduations the other day when an e-mail from a woman who participated in the research for Hijas popped up on my computer screen.

She had just heard about Circle de Luz and this is what her e-mail said: I will be graduating from college at the age of 34 with my BA in six weeks, the first in my family. I am feeling many things as this nears, but mostly I am feeling the need to return the blessing. I cannot think of a better way than through Circle de Luz. My heart feels full to know about this program. Thank you.

When I read her e-mail, my eyes brimmed with tears at the way that not just individuals are changed by the power of education, but at the way education empowers whole families. The greatest gift I was given as a girl was the unselfish decision my parents made to stay here in this country and allow me to be educated. I am not sure that I can ever repay them for a lifetime spent without their parents or siblings at their sides, for the way that some people did not make it easy for them, for the discomfort of living in another world and another language. And so, with the Circle, I do the only thing I know how, I embrace my family with my motion, join hands with those around me, and prepare to help a future generation of young women know the joy and power of crossing that stage with their literal and figurative families cheering for them from the wings.

* waiting in the Charlotte airport with my mom

I am not a great flyer.  There is a very good reason for the root cause of my flying discomfort, but this is neither the time nor place for that story.  Let’s just say that my initial discomfort with flying came after a heartbreaking personal experience.  Now, over time, the discomfort has been amplified by other issues and experiences. 

First and foremost, I, for whatever reason, seem to believe that I have the legs of a six foot four man. Seriously.  How can anyone sit comfortably on a plane for more than 2 minutes with leg space meant for a toddler?  My legs need more room than that, and I can’t help but flail about every two minutes trying to find the sweet spot that will make discomfort fade away.  I never find it, but it is not for lack of trying.    

Then there have been the bad personal flying experiences.  Like the overnight flight to Germany years ago where I was in the very last row right by the bathroom.  By 11 pm, 500 people were in line to use the bathroom after an airplane meal and, well, you can imagine what it was like to sit trapped in all that for nine hours.  There are other parts of that story like the opening of the cargo case above me that led to a  raining down on me of hard plastic toys that belonged to the three wired kids under five sitting in front of me and traveling with the tired mom.  It was a long night.  And it didn’t sweeten my disposition for flying. 

Then there was the flight home from our honeymoon in Scotland.  BF’s dad sweetly gave us first class upgrades, and I thought that would be enough to negate the misery of flying.  Nope, now, there were just new complicating factors.  The one we couldn’t do anything about was the fact that we had taken a train 11 hours the day before from Inverness to London to make our flight so we were both worn out from sitting.  But that wasn’t the issue that made me look at BF half-way through the flight and say, “If they gave me a  parachute and said I could take my chances; I would do just that to get off this plane.”  This is a very dramatic response for anyone, but especially someone who is known for being incredibly reasonable.  But BF had befriended the flight attendant in first class who only had 4 people to worry about so she instead perched herself right in front of us for six straight hours and told us every inappropriate thing she had ever done.  In detail.  It was awful and uncomfortable, and BF wanted no part of it so he started to ignore her which meant that I was caught as this woman’s audience—when I hadn’t even said a word to get her started. 

The situation on the plane from London became our personal point of no return as a couple.  A couple months after the misery of that flight, we were flying somewhere else, and I was in the middle seat.  BF leaned over me to start chatting up the person by the window and when she proved to be an oversharer, BF grabbed his book and tuned her out.  I sat there for the next three hours and listened to her plight, resisting the urge to bury my elbow in BF’s side over and over again until he was more miserable than I was.  As soon as we were off the flight and out of earshot of some poor, unsuspecting eyewitness, I told BF that he was barred from initiating conversation to anyone OVER me on the flight.  If he wanted to chat for four hours, he would have to sit in the middle and keep me out of it.  Terrorized by the idea of sitting in the middle, BF promised he wouldn’t do it again.  Except. He. Just. Couldn’t. Resist.  And the next person, of course, went to the oversharing place, BF’s eyes glazed over, and I was stuck, engaged in a divorce drama of epic proportions with an unsympathetic character.  So, as soon as we were off that flight and, again, out of earshot of some poor, unsuspecting eyewitness, I laid down the Law of Flights for our household which was that we would both have aisle seats on subsequent trips for the rest of our lives.  Three years later, that is still how we travel together.    

And while I have figured out how BF and I can happily travel together, I haven’t figured out how to handle other flying hazards—the most offensive to me right now is the bathroom door issue since I am writing this while flying back from San Francisco on a 5 hour flight where I am seated directly beside the bathroom.  And nobody closes the door when they leave the bathroom which means I am sitting in a haze of unpleasantness chased with the sickening air freshener they use in plane bathrooms.  And while I want to say, “could you close the door please” after each person walks out, I just can’t bring myself to do it.  I’ve made like I am going to the bathroom a few times just so I could close the door, but I’ve got no other strategies and there are two hours left in this flight.  What I wouldn’t do for my only problem right now to be an oversharer. 

I am off to San Francisco for the Boys and Girls Clubs of America national conference.  I am speaking at a breakfast on Friday morning and then participating in a diversity panel.  While I am on the road, I thought I would leave you with a couple things…

Item #1 is an article I wrote for Lifetimetv.com on what to say and do when a loved one experiences infertility or pregnancy loss.  There are pieces sometimes as a freelance writer that you really want to do because it will bring attention to something you think is important.  And that’s how writing When She Isn’t Expecting was for me.    

Item # 2 is an announcement about a new book club for Latina readers that Borders is launching. 

Have a good end of the week and weekend and I’ll be back next week with tales of San Francisco. 

6:10 Up and at ‘em. Throw on workout skort, t-shirt, ball cap, hoodie, and sneaks, brush teeth, and walk to Town Hall to vote.    

6:30 Arrive at Town Hall. Line’s out the door. I love voting!                                                                   

7:05 Leave Town Hall, walk home, jump in car and dash to gym.                                                                

7:15 Lift weights. Highlight: 3 sets of 20 straight up pushups. I hate every second, but feel strong afterwards.                                                                                                                      

8:05 Grocery store run. Buy fixings for baked ziti. I have a board meeting Wednesday night for Circle de Luz, and that’s what’s for dinner.                                                                                     

8:20 Breakfast: a homemade blueberry muffin, boiled egg, and a banana.  

8:30 Email.                                                                                                                                                           

9:05 Book 3 article interviews, sign an article contract,  and write a sidebar for a sailing article (a sidebar is one of those boxes within a magazine story that give you some additional information about the subject matter. This sidebar is the route sheet for a family who sailed around the Atlantic for two years).

9:50 My Community Supported Agriculture items arrive– kale, mustard greens, spinach, romaine lettuce, Asian greens, and red leaf lettuce. I’m excited. BF’s worried.                                                        

10:00 Go running with my neighbor and take Lola along in the hopes that she’ll drag me along. No such luck. Instead, she dramatically stops and sniffs every few feet, jerking me back each time. Sweet relief comes when we stop at a local store to window shop, and the shop girl offers water.                 

11:00 I answer email then settle in to revise an article.                                                                

12:30 Browse the internet while eating lunch.                                  

1:00 Back to the revision.                                                                                                                

3:00 Friend calls to talk politics.                                                                                                

3:30 Write this blog post and a post for Circle de Luz.  Wait for call backs to check details on revision.  Go through e-mail. My sister calls. Blah, Blah, Blah somehow the time passes until dinner.   

What I love about myself:  My hair and my brain. 

My biggest challenge in accepting my body and beauty: Trying not to compare myself to others and accept that my body is perfectly imperfect and capable of so much! I participated in my first sprint triathlon last Sept and that put me back in my body in a way beyond words. 

My biggest support in learning to appreciate myself: My students. 

Beauty is:  Celebrating your individuality and loving yourself unconditionally. Not “after you lose those 10 lbs” or when you fit into size jeans. Loving yourself now as you are. 

Why I am strong:  By necessity and choice. Doesn’t really matter. What matters is that I AM strong.  

Why I am beautiful: Because I say so! 

What women must know: Learn to make yourself a priority in your own life because you are worth it and deserve it.

Thanks to Fighting Windmills for the fun blog idea!

Here we go…

Stuff in my handbag:

1.  a Tootsie Roll wrapper.  My hair salon has a bowl of candy at the check-in counter.  I hoard Tootsie Rolls when I am there like I am seven. 

2.  a Wonder Woman business card holder.  A dear friend gave it to me at the Hijas launch party last year. 

3.  My fun daisy wallet, complete with dollar, dollar bill y’all and a Harris Teeter receipt sticking out. 

4.  Hair clip.

5.  CO Bigelow Metha Lip Tint.  I love this lip balm! 

Favorite Things in my bedroom:

1.  Our spring/summer bedspread.  It’s really bright and happy.  We have two bedspreads– a spring/ summer one and then a more muted fall/winter one.   

2.  The artwork above our bed. 

3.  Picture of my nephew on the day he was born. 

4.  Picture of BF and I walking down the aisle. 

5.  My handheld Tetris.  Shameful really.  I think I have Tetris thumb.  Seriously. 

Things I have always wanted to do:

1.  Train a guide dog.

2.  Live in Tuscany.

3.  Go to Alaska. 

4.  Take singing lessons. 

5.  Be a private investigator. 

Things I am currently into:

1.  Getting Circle de Luz off the ground. 

2.  Landscaping our yard a little bit. 

3.  Reducing my carbon footprint. 

4.  Tetris. 

5.  Overcoming resistance.    

Are you in the Chicago area and looking for a place to discuss great books with great women?  Try out the Intergenerational Feminist Book Group at Women & Children First on Clark Street.  The groups’ readings focus on various social issues affecting feminists today including sexism, racism, queer politics, and militarism to name just a few of the issues they tackle and they meet monthly for book discussion and fellowship.  May’s book is Hijas Americanas and the meeting is on the 19th at 7:30.  Want more information?  Call Angelique at 773/769-9299 or e-mail the bookstore at wcfbooks@aol.com. 

What I love about being Latina:

When I was a teacher or a college administrator, no one ever really asked what my days were like but I’ve noticed lately that it’s a question I get a lot.  It’s a question that I even discuss with other writers.  The funny thing is that when I became a writer, I imagined that 40 hours a week would be so much time and that I could teach two days a week, write two days a week, and volunteer one day a week with no problem and no overlap.  I figured out that wasn’t true in my very first week as a full-time writer.  It’s an interesting job, filled with chase and quiet, creative spurts and languishing blocks, and, not surprisingly, lots of deadlines.  Remember what it felt like to have a paper due in college and then play that out by 10 or 15 a month, and you get a little bit of the flavor.  But here’s the thing, in college, your professors assign you those papers.  As a professional writer, you find a lot of your work in the form of pitching ideas to editors– some of whom you have worked for before and some of whom will not even open an e-mail from you.  Here’s a sampling of the work that I am doing this week:

*  Writing articles.  I have three articles due next week that I am hoping to get turned in by the end of day this Friday.  I like to turn in my stuff early if possible; it allows me to avoid that college deadline looming feeling of terror.  I’ve also been actively trying to write my pieces as soon as I wrap up the research and interviews on them because I’ve waited for months in the past on articles assigned really early and then I just want to beat my head against the wall over having to look up every single detail because I remember nothing.  It is much easier on me if I write while it is all fresh on my mind.  Two of the articles are ideas that I pitched and one is an assignment that an editor asked me to do.   

*  Book research and organization.  I have a book proposal currently under consideration with a publisher so I am doing some research on it to keep abreast of the news surrounding the idea’s themes and doing some organizing with my notes to allow myself a smooth transition if the book is soon approved.  You mean the book’s not already written?  That’s right.  For researched non-fiction where you will interview various people, you usually put together a book proposal that outlines the book and your vision for it chapter by chapter but you don’t have to go ahead and write it.  I did, however, have to turn in sample chapters for this one so I have two chapters mostly written already which will be especially nice if the book does go to contract. 

*  Idea research.  I have an idea for another non-fiction book that I am excited about– maybe a project for next year if the above book gets a contract this year, and so I have been doing a little dabbling into the research for it and just compiling notes in a file to tear into at a later date. 

*  Speaking Prep and Gigs.  I am spending Wednesday afternoon helping to facilitate a Women of Color Leadership Forum in Charlotte.  In addition, I am speaking at a breakfast at the Boys and Girls Club National Conference next week in San Francisco so I am drafting my remarks, making sure I have business cards printed, etc. 

*  Circle de Luz research and prep work.  Circle de Luz, the scholarship giving network inspired by the Hijas experience, officially launches on Thursday and so there’s stuff to do with that, the IRS non-profit application, and preparation for our scholar selection next year.      

*  Story Pitches.  I have a few article ideas on board to pitch tomorrow to some editors- likely new editors to me.  I’ve written the queries. Now I just need to get them out to the “targeted markets.” 

*  San Francisco Planning.  So I am in San Fran for a few days next week and hope to meet up with some women who were involved in the research for Hijas and I also want to check a little bit of the city out.  Sometime this week, I am going to get that all organized so I don’t lose the precious few minutes I have on the ground there next week figuring it out. 

*  NYC event planning.  I have a school and bookstore event at the end of May in the Bronx and so I’ll spend some time thinking through those events and working on the promotions for them. 

*  Odds and Ends.  At some point each week, I balance my checkbook, track my business expenses and file my receipts, and record my business mileage along with other little keeping the business going tasks like that. 

*  Misbehave.  And there is always something that derails me for at least a little bit each day or week.   This week’s tempests are newspaper articles about the Panthers’ draft choices and web-surfing, including a long session on Nick Arrojo’s (from What Not to Wear) salon web-site.  If I had the guts, I would totally book a haircut with him for while I am in NYC.  I am working on getting up the guts.  Look at me, I’m acting like I am asking him out on a date rather than to just do my hair.  Too funny.       

Other than that, I work out daily, keep the television completely off or I know I’ll get sucked in, fight with Lola the wonder dog about where she wants me to be in reference to her, endure Lola the wonder dog’s howling when the town’s fire sirens go off, look outside and wonder why I don’t just take my laptop outside to write, make a couple laps around the little cottage that could when I am feeling sleepy, answer BF and my sister’s 17 phone calls a day (only a slight exaggeration), remember to take something out of the fridge for dinner, get caught up on something surfing the internet and then wonder where the time went, think about doing yoga poses or stopping everything to read for thirty minutes, avoid doing my hair and putting on makeup and then realize that people are looking at me strangely out in the world because my curls have gone all cotton-ball headed on me without my noticing, and answer a lot of email.

I imagine that soon I really will add 30 minutes of reading outside to my daily work life and that I will run to the nearby Y a couple times a week for a Yoga or Pilates class.  The one thing I know for sure about my work style is that I should not, under any circumstances, schedule anything to do in the morning except write and research.  I am sharpest in the morning, and I hate when I give away that time. I want to become much more disciplined about saying no to morning things that could just as easily happen in the afternoon.   

Got any questions or advice about the writing life or the working at home life?  Holler.  You’re the closest thing I have to water cooler talk!      

What I love about myself is my capacity to be open and truly interested in all kinds of people, from all walks of life, from every cultural background. Meeting new people enriches my life a thousand fold.

My biggest challenge in accepting my body and beauty is when that monkey-mind thinking leads me to believe that I’m not doing something right.  And that “right,” I suppose, is according to the world outside myself.  When I get quiet, go inward, am creative, I become more accepting of self again.

My biggest support in learning to appreciate myself is that deep-still voice within.  It also helps to surround myself with people who support my creative way of being and thinking—people in my writing and creative circles, my husband and family members who support who I am.

Beauty is deeper than body image.  Over the years, I’ve actually positioned my young nieces in front of a mirror and have them stare into their own faces repeating, “I am beautiful inside and out.”

I am strong because I believe in a higher source, and I don’t mean a big man in the sky. That higher source (consciousness) permeates everywhere—in nature, in healthy foods, in you and me.  Being strong means being authentic, truthful, loving—including sometimes being firm, standing ground, setting tough boundaries, which has been something I’ve really had to learn over the years.

I am beautiful because I take good care of myself by eating healthy, especially eating organic food, by using alternative health professionals, having energy work done on me, working out, journaling, writing, reading, meditating and following my passion of living a creative life.

Women must know that we are powerful beyond measure, that we have intuitive abilities that can lead us onto paths bigger than our ego-self can image, that it is time for the female to truly have an equal say in all aspects of life, so that we can get this earth back on track.